Two years seems like a long time to feel detached and constantly alone with my thoughts.  Some days have been joyful despite circumstances and yet others exhaustingly empty and void of much feeling at all.  There is nothing or no one to "blame" my downcast existence on but simply a lack of faith in the only One who can heal my brokenness and suffering and restore my joy in Him.  I have always known where to turn for strength in times pf despair.  The stumbling block in this entire scenario then becomes the knowledge and acknowledgement of my own pride and failure to examine my heart for unforgiveness and sin.  Even on the darkest days when I believed the loneliness was truly at it's peak, if only I had called on Him for the guidance I needed to find peace.  And not just called on Him but trusted His way to be The Way to healing.  Why did it seem so much easier to be stagnant in my struggle?

Psalm 42:5, 42:11 and 43:5 all say "Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

Even in my hardest times of doubt and longing, God never left me.  I stepped away from His truth and rested solely on the world's antidotes for my emptiness.  The Psalmist addressed it well.  No matter what I am walking through, struggling with, or challenged by, I should always remember just what He brought me through and saved me from.  Eternity without Him.

I Peter 2:9 reminds me, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you our of darkness into His wonderful light."

The perfect light of a Glorious loving and forgiving Savior.  I can no longer claim darkness as my dwelling place according to Scripture.  I have been there visiting for far too long.  The light of His glory has penetrated my path and is daily showing me the journey He has for my future.

It all comes down to this....Proverbs 3:5-6 ... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding:  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight".

Abiding is a hard place to dwell.  It is a perfect place of rest and comfort but almost impossible to sustain.  There are many times when I choose to wander away and then there are challenges that cause me to lose my footing and tumble down a well warn path of suffering that I continue to say I loathe but find myself wallowing in nevertheless.  What am I searching for in the darkness?  Knowing full well that only pain comes from disobedience and folly,  I embrace the dim light of the world and trust in it's healing of my wounds over and over again.  What exactly does pride have as a hold over me to reel me into the sufferings I thought I had long ago overcome?  I am my own worst enemy when it comes to doubt and struggle.  No one else has control over my thoughts unless I relinquish them.  Jesus promises that He will never leave or forsake me.  Therefore, I must be the one who moves.

Psalm 139: 1-12 says:
Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and hen I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely.
You hem me in - behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settles on the far side of the sea
even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Truth that there is no darkness too heavy for the hand of a loving Savior to snatch me out of.  His constant tenderness is far greater than anything this world can toss into my path.  He is my light and my salvation.  Only relying on His strength to carry me in my weakest times will suffice.  When I just sit with His Word and choose to dwell there...I find solace and complete rest.  Rest for a weary mind and soul.  He is rest.  He is light.  He alone is truth.  I will trust in that light and allow Him to guide my paths and make them straight.

It all comes down to this.....My hope is in Christ alone.

HE was there all along....

New Year...New Beginning...Same old stuff.  Does not have to be that way.  We have an out.  Good News!  There is a healer.  His name is Jesus.  He is always willing and waiting just for the opportunity to change our lives.  We need only to ask.

2016 was a year of confusion, concern, disappointment, challenge, more disappointment, suffering, doubt, and a sincere lack of faith for me.  This is not to say in any way that God was not with me.  He was there all along.  I stepped away.  Not from my belief in Him but certainly in my dependence on Him.  I was weak and down hearted.  I was struggling just to see Him in every day life and activities. Not because He wasn't visible or present.  But rather...because I took my eyes off of Him.  I internalized all that was going on around me and sealed it away in a neat little dark place.  I chose to work through things in my own timing and in my own arrogance instead of believing that I could leave all of my pain with Him at the cross and let Him walk with me through the darkness.

This from someone who has known Jesus as Savior since I was a mere 7 years old.  I know truth.  I believe it.  I just didn't apply it.  I chose instead to wallow in my own self pity and expect things to change.  Change is work.  We all have to engage in our personal relationship with God.  It is never a one way street.  I forgot to relinquish my ways to adopt His ways.  They are always perfect.  Mine are flawed.

The absolute truth that I so earnestly want to cling to is that He is able.  He is willing.  He is my strength in times of weakness.  He is literally my rock in sinking sand.  I want to live there.  I want to build my house on that solid rock and be secure in His presence.

2017 will not be worry free, trouble free, free from suffering, or even void of challenge.  However, I am in a place of rest in Him.  He is my foundation and I will remain in Him and He in me.  God is good always.....even when we are blinded to His grace by our own ignorance.

It all comes down to this...."God opposed the proud, but gives grace to the humble."  James 3:6b.  I want to be humble in His eyes.

Sometimes life gets in our way.  We spend countless days planning, organizing, changing plans, looking for shortcuts for our plans, reorganizing all that we semi-organized just a few days prior and then we start all over again.  In the end....really what have we accomplished?  Nothing that will last.  Nothing that furthers the Kingdom.  Nothing that shares the Good News of Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.  All of our efforts are well intentioned but when we actually stop and contemplate what we have done with our days, we fall short of glorifying the One and Only true God.

I have spent many countless hours this past year thinking and rethinking how things in my life "could" have gone differently.  Guess what?  That changed nothing.  I cannot relive a moment of that time.  It is simply wasted on selfish pity and unnecessary suffering.  What I really needed to do was to lay it all down and trust that my Heavenly Father had and has a plan for each moment.  Of course I have to live my daily life but I can live it far more fully in Him.  I have my every need met by the God of the Universe.  When I step in and shift my focus....trouble for me ensues.  At 61 years of age I am beginning to believe that truth.

I am not one for New Year's resolutions.  For one reason, I can uphold them for about 3 hours.  But my real reason for choosing not to tie myself to them is that I know that left to my own devices, failure is my only hope.  Short of trusting God to provide strength to follow through on my meek attempts I am at best luke warm at the finish.  I never want to discount all that has been done for me and I want to give the glory to God for those blessings.  I want to spend my days lifting His name in praise.  I want to let go of the challenges that hold me back and see only His face.

When I was younger and my dad would tell me that as you grow older the days simply fly by.  I thought that was just senseless.  Surely the days remained 24 hours and the weeks 7 full days..etc.  Now I see what he meant.  My days are numbered by an Almighty God who truly yearns for me to stay fully connected to Him.  My prayer for this New Year is that I will look up and trust all that He has prepared for me in the coming days.   I want to share the love of my Savior with all who I meet and be a light in the darkness of this daily life.

It all comes down to this...we only go around once.

Sometimes 12 years seems like a lifetime...

All my life I have knew that somewhere there was a child that would become mine that I did not have the privilege to carry and nurture from birth.  I had no idea how or when it would be a reality however.

Twelve years ago today my truth came to be when a friend and beautiful woman went home to be with the Lord.  She was fierce.  She was a fighter.  She was a warrior.  She loved with every single fiber of her being and her love was mighty for her children.  In her battle with breast cancer she never once complained or gave in to fear.  She just put one foot in front of the other and continued to fight for her life.

On November 6th, 2004, our family grew by 2 because I promised Sharon on the morning of October 31st that if she went home to see Jesus before I did that her girls would become my own in every sense of family.  She beat me to glory and I received the greatest gift a mother can give another....two amazing daughters to add to our family.  Since that day 12 years ago, our family of 4 has grown to a mere 17.  Emily, Dave, Asher, Lucy, Erik, Elisa, Jaklin, Shea, Anna, Kevin, Colton, Wesley, Sydney, Katharine and Joe.  Amazing story of God's grace on an undeserving friend who simply stood by her promise to a dear woman who loved deeply and honestly in all that she did.

On this day every year I stop and think about all that Sharon entrusted in my care.  I cry over all that I know she has missed and weep for all that is still to come in our lives that she can't enjoy with her daughters and grandchildren.  I am enjoying the fruits of her labor during her time here on this earth.  I get to hold those 3 little ones and tell them that I love them.  I am the one who reaps the joy of their arms around my neck and the "I love you more" when we say goodbye at the end of a visit.  Every time I hear those voices my mind never fails to go to my dear, dear friend and hope she knows just how much I loved her and how I will be faithful to my promise until I see her again with Jesus.

Some day soon I hope to get to tell those little ones just how much their grandmother loves them and how much I wish that she could be here to enjoy the joy that they bring.  I want them to know that I am doing all that I can to keep her memory alive for them and that if she were here.....oh how she would smile.

I love you Sharon Nicolaisen and miss your sweet smile still..every...single...day.

Just Pondering...

This journey called life is exactly that....a life long trek through the dredges that is our existence.  Not a sprint...not a jog...not even a swift power walk...just simply one foot in front of the other day after day.  During the times when things are seemingly easy we sail along mindlessly from moment to moment.  When a challenge arises...the rubber really meets the road so to speak.

Sometimes I get weary in the struggles.  I lose my focus and begin to become lethargic in my faith.  Not a moment goes by that I doubt that God exists but many come around that I legitimately question Him.  Again...not His love,  not His trustworthiness, not even His best for me.  But rather my love for Him, my trustworthiness and my lack of obedience.  He is truly the only strength that I need when I falter.  Why is it so difficult for me to rest there?

The more we depend on Him the less we depend on ourselves.  I tell myself that over and over in a days time.  Yet I selfishly go on about my desire to "fix" things on my own.  My ways must be better than anyone else could possible know.  After all, I know my heart.  I know my needs.  I know what is best for me in the moment.  Lies from Satan.  Untruths that do not coincide with what Scripture tells me to be so.  That is why Matthew 6:24 tells me "No one can serve two masters.  Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.  You cannot serve both God and Money."  The choice is mine.  To believe that He alone can be my Master or to let the world dictate my path.

I alone must choose to lay down my rights every single day and pick up my cross and follow the One and Only Savior of my life.  He is Almighty God!  He is the Master of the seas.  He is the Omnipotent One who loves and cares for me.  Simply stated....He is love.  When I look at those words and just rest there....I am once again whole.  Once again at peace.  Once again at one with my Creator and the true author and finisher of my faith.

In life there are ups and downs.  Every day we are constantly faced with the daunting task of making choices that ultimately can change the course of our lives.  Sometimes we choose wisely and other times our decisions cause us to struggle where we never expected.  Mistakes are made but just the pure definition of that is doing something that we didn't mean to do or hurting someone we didn't want to hurt with our actions.  

As we walk through life, however, there are instances where trust becomes so important in our relationships.  In marriage, in friendship, in medicine, in machinery....I can go on and on, but the point is that we have to rely on others and other things to survive.  It is when those people or things let us down that we begin to understand suffering.  When the chemo starts to lose it's power.  When the battery in our car wains.  When our spouse just doesn't seem to understand what we are trying to say.  When our friends fail to hold us up when our strength is faltering.  These are the realities.  This is true life. 

 No one is absolute but Jesus.  We have to rely only on Him.  Everything else is just fluff.  Not truth.  Not trustworthy.  Not secure.  Only Jesus.  I tell myself this over and over in a weeks time.  Daily I look to Him to be my strength and almost always I fail to believe that He is all I need.   I know that He is constant.  His love is never failing.  Yet I place my hope in people that continue to destroy my hope and cause me to stumble in my faith.  

It is a challenge daily for me to keep my eyes fixed on Him.  I want so much to believe that there is a reason for my journey through this struggle called Christianity.  The end of my journey will be worth the battle.  I do know that to be fact, but the suffering of being disappointed in so much is sometimes just heavy and disheartening.  The Church is to be a reflection of Christ.  I fail to see Christ in so much we attach to His name.  I am disappointed in so much that we as the Body of Christ speak on His behalf.  I do not believe that Jesus would ever judge like we judge and He has the ultimate right to do just that.  He loves instead.  

Jesus never told anyone to come back to Him and serve Him when they were right in their own eyes, or in the eyes of others.  He simply said, "Go and sin no more."  Sounds simple...we are the ones who have chosen to put conditions on forgiveness and moving forward in our walks.


It all comes down to this....Forgiveness is absolute in Christ.  No debt remains.  When will we get true understanding of that fact.  It is finished!