Some days blessings in our lives are so abundant that we never even stop to acknowledge them.  While I am not saying this is where I want to be, I know that I like everyone else am guilty of taking every little thing in my life for granted and not being thankful for every single breath I take.  Breath that comes from a living and loving God.

All that said, this past weekend I did stop and take the time to count a particular blessing in my life.  Nine and a half years ago I lost a sweet and dear friend to breast cancer.  It was a long and hard fought battle that ended in her being called home to be with the Lord.  Even in her weakened physical condition, she accepted my promise to make her girls an important part of our family and our lives.  I vowed to her and before a Holy God that I would love them and care for them any way I could as if they were my own.  Not because I felt like they needed me, but because I needed to be obedient to what was being asked of me by a loving Heavenly Father.

In those 9 1/2 years I have now seen two beautiful brides and the birth of two amazing little boys.  God is so good.  This past Friday I witnessed the marriage of Sharon's baby girl and her amazing groom.  Set on a beautiful beach in Sarasota Florida on a perfect sunny day our family grew with the addition of a wonderful young man we can now call our son-in-law.  Even through the loss of my good friend God proves His faithfulness by allowing me to participate in a wedding that was not only honoring to my friend but gave me the freedom to love that stunning bride without feeling like I was trying to take her place.

I almost feel like Paul when he said, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness..." simply because it has been a journey of faith to allow my heart to love these girls like I believe they deserve.  It has been a fight against all that is natural and normal to expect them to love me back.  But, God in His mercy has  made that path straight and given me my heart's desire toward them.  I love them both and everyone that comes with them fully.

There is never a day that I don't think about my friend and all that she is missing.  I am sad when I realize that I am reaping the benefits of her parenting and loving.  Of course I would love for life to be fair and that she would have been here for the weddings and the birth of her grandsons and the future ones to come but God is sovereign and His ways are not my ways.  I will continue to love and cherish them with my whole heart and give thanks for the blessings that I have received.

Congratulations Katharine and Joe!  Your momma would have been beaming with pride:)

I love you.

This year I have decided to take the mission statement from my church and make it my challenge for the New Year.  Every year we make resolutions that are all about us.  We want to lose weight, get more organized, eat more healthy, exercise daily...and on and on.  I want everyone who knows me and pours into my life to know that I have chosen to do none of these.  Shock and awe, I know!  I really do want "to know Christ and make Him known".  I want everyone who already knows who I live for and especially for those who do not to realize what my life is truly about.

I serve a Savior who lived and died for me.  He loves me enough to give me the free gift of eternal life through His death and resurrection.  All I had to do was accept it and share the good news.

"To know Christ and make Him known".  This is my resolution for the New Year!

For one year I have cried, been angry, questioned, doubted, believed, been thankful, pretended, challenged, felt empty, sad, peaceful...and the list goes on and on.  I still don't understand why God chose to take a beautiful little girl away from a family that loved her so deeply, but I do know that He makes no mistakes.  I believe that and I am dwelling there.  There are more days now that I spend less time asking God why and more time thanking Him for 13 sweet years watching Lauren grow in His love for others.  There will never be a day when I don't think about her amazing blue eyes and how they impacted everyone she met.  I am thankful most of all that she shared her faith and her love for her Savior.  Many young and old hearts were changed by her death and will hopefully come to know the Lord she loved so much.  Some days it seems only yesterday that she went to her heavenly home but a year will have come and gone on the 23rd of December.  I hope she knows how much we all loved her but most of all how happy we are that if we had to lose her so early in her sweet life that we know she is safe in the arms of Jesus.

Lauren Elizabeth Swann we miss you always.

I keep waiting to feel different.  Not necessarily great but at least less empty.  I wonder daily how anyone can deal with something as difficult as the death of someone they love without the Lord to lean on.  I know He cares about my sorrow.  I know He hears my pleas for strength.  I know He feels my pain and binds my wounded heart.  I believe that He and He alone can change my path.  Still I turn on my computer every day and see a beautiful, smiling 13 year old looking back at me and my heart breaks all over again.

There is no easy fix for loneliness and brokenness except for trusting in the One who knows our needs even before we ask.  I fail to ask Him every morning.  Some days I forget that He wants to hear my cries for healing.  The deepest desire of my heart is for Him to be ever present in my thoughts of Lauren and her journey into His presence.  She is with the Lord.  I know this to be true because He told me it is.  2 Corinthians 5:8 says "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord."  I believe that Lauren would say those very words to us all if given the chance.  She is with her Heavenly Father who loves her more than we could ever imagine.  I just miss her smiling face and I know her mom, Nana and Poppy along with the rest of her family miss her most of all:)

The 23rd of May will be 5 months since our sweet and beautiful Lauren went home to be with the Lord.  Not a day goes by that we don't wish for one more smile,  but we have the assurance that we will see that amazing "brace less" perfect smile again one day very soon.

It all comes down to this....I don't know about tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand.

I love you sweet girl.

Aunt Gail

49 days seems like a short period of time....unless you have lost someone you love.  49 days then becomes somewhat of an eternity and never has an end in sight.  I am awestruck by those who have journeyed through such an undertaking.  Losing a child, a mom, a dad, a best friend, a sibling..

The real test is not in the moment, but in the many countless moments that follow.  Every day of new beginnings that doesn't include that special someone.  Each event that comes and goes without seeing joy on that sweet face or hearing it in their voice.  Where do we go from here?  It has been said that time heals all wounds, but some wounds are deep in our souls and cannot simply be stitched back together by moving on.  Moving on just does not seem possible.

Abiding becomes the only option we have.  Abiding in the One and Only.  Abiding in His Everlasting Arms.  Trusting Him to carry us when we cannot move on.  Knowing that He will do what He has always said He would do.  Resting in His promises.  Believing that He loves more than we can ever even understand.  Being assured that we will see our loved ones again.  That is what faith is.  Oh that my faith would be made whole.  Oh that I would trust in what I know is the truth.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I rest in His Word.  I trust in His promise.  I believe in His truth.

We have all heard the old sayings "out of the mouths of babes" or "kids say the darndest things" or even "we can learn so much from our children".  How much do we actually think before we say something?

In June of this past year the pastor of my parent's church died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.  It was a real struggle for that small and very close knit community.  At the time, Kelly, my niece, explained to her two children how it was okay to be sad.  Everyone was sad and everyone questioned why something like that had to happen to such a wonderful and loving man.  My great-niece replied simply, "I know it is okay to be a little sad, but after all, isn't heaven our ultimate goal?"  Well...yes it is and she realized that goal this past Sunday evening when she went home to be with The Lord and her pastor, Clarence:)

On December 23rd, our sweet Lauren, 13 years young died from apparent complications from asthma.  Her amazing blue eyes could literally light up a room, but it was her sweet and giving spirit that stood out most of all.  She was the most unselfish little girl that will probably ever cross my path.  If she had something that anyone needed or even simply wanted, she would willingly offer it up.  In life she touched so many others and even in death she gave a better life to others through organ donation.

As unfair as all of this seems in my head, in my heart I know she is at peace safe in the arms of Jesus right now.  Lauren will be missed by all of us and not a day will go by that we won't wish we could see her sweet face, but one day we will.  One day we will enjoy that beautiful smile and those eyes that seemingly were the window to her soul.  We are thankful for 13 years but saddened that 13 years went by so quickly.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers this past week.  Although we will never get "over" our loss, my family has begun the long journey of healing from this chapter in our lives.  I am so thankful that I have such amazing friends to hold me up when I struggle to stand strong.

Cruise 2012

I hope that when I am 80 years old I am half as willing to put myself out there as my mom is.  On September the 23rd my three sisters and I took our mom on a 4 day Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas.  It was glorious.  Sunny, calm and restful.  Well...if you don't count the last night at sea when everyone on the ship became terribly dizzy and sea sick.  One out of four days isn't too bad though.

We started off in two different cities...me from Dulles, Virginia, and the rest of the travelers flew out of Charleston, WV.  Now that sound simple enough.  Just fly to Orlando and meet up with our driver and off we go.  Not so fast.  Their first flight out of Charleston was cancelled.  Then they were rerouted through Charlotte, NC.  No problem.  Then another email came that bumped them back a few hours and put them into Orlando at a ridiculous time and there was no way to make the cruise.  They ended up flying down a whole day early just to make the ship.  Disaster averted:)  I met them on Sunday morning in Orlando and we were off.

Our driver picked me up at the airport sidestepping the 7000 Disney travelers and we drove a few minutes to pick up everyone else.  A mere hour later we were boarding the ship in Port Canaveral and ready to begin our adventure.  

Now...being the seasoned traveler I am, I suggested that just for safety sake everyone take something for sea sickness.  No one listened until it was obvious at dinner the first night that EVERYONE needed it!  From then on we were all heavily drugged with dramamine.  No more issues (until the last night when we would have to have been knocked out to not suffer).

Our first port of departure was Freeport, Bahamas.  Sunny and wonderfully charming.  We had a wonderful day of shopping, sight-seeing, and just being together.  I have to say that the being together, the 5 of us, was by far the best part of all.  If we weren't off the ship then we were in one of our two rooms laughing, talking, or just figuring out what to do or eat next.  The only time we were at sea was at night which was helpful for my never ending bout of motion sickness that medication simply dulls but never eliminates.  

I have to say that this is the first time all of us have traveled together sans husbands and children.  We had so much down time and enjoyed all of our meals leisurely.  I don't know why it took us so long to come up with this idea....remember I said earlier that our mom is 80, but we have determined to make it a yearly event (not cruising but going on a trip) as long as it is physically and financially possible.

Next port was Nassau, Bahamas.  Another beautiful place with so much to enjoy.  We went on a horse and carriage ride through historic Nassau.  I was afraid our horses might collapse from exhaustion but they seemed to hold up amazingly well.  We shopped for our shirts that mom wanted for our photo and determined that she was still and always will be  the boss of us:)  

I cannot wait to see where next years adventure will take us but I promise that there will be more fashion friendly attire and many smiles to brighten our days.  We are so thankful that God has blessed us with such a wonderful mom to enjoy.  She was such a trooper and willing to do anything and everything we suggested.  Life is good!

It all comes down to this...I love my mom and my sisters to the moon and back!