Two years feels like an eternity when you are missing someone you love.  Two years is just a mere breath when you get to actually spend eternity with all those you love.

This life has so many ups and downs in it that sometimes we forget that our blessings always and completely outweigh our disappointments.  God in His infinite mercy sent His one and only Son as a sacrifice for all of my sin.  He loves me unconditionally and forever and nothing I have done or can do will ever even put a small dent in that love.  Not my doubt, my lack of faith, my raging disappointment in circumstances, my failures at kindness, my unrelenting complaining, or even my refusal to extend grace to someone who is struggling in their own right can change how much God loves me.

It is most often the clearest to me how much I need His arms to rest in when I struggle with understanding.  His plans are always perfect...His Word declares that promise.   This season of rejoicing over the birth of our Savior will forever be a time of reflection on the life and walk of a mere 13 year old little girl who gave of herself endlessly and selflessly because she believed in the miracle of rebirth through Jesus Christ and had accepted Him as Her Lord and Savior.  The short life she lived impacted so many for the Kingdom in ways we will never even know about until we all see Him face to face in Glory but I do know that she is forever in His loving arms breathing perfect pure air and is perfectly content.

Although it will always be a sad time for my family because we miss her amazing blue eyes and sweet spirit every single day of our lives, we can rest assured that we know she is with the One who loves her far better than we will ever understand.

I love and miss you to the moon and back Lauren Elizabeth Swann.  You were a gift from God and we are all changed by your life and death.

Some days blessings in our lives are so abundant that we never even stop to acknowledge them.  While I am not saying this is where I want to be, I know that I like everyone else am guilty of taking every little thing in my life for granted and not being thankful for every single breath I take.  Breath that comes from a living and loving God.

All that said, this past weekend I did stop and take the time to count a particular blessing in my life.  Nine and a half years ago I lost a sweet and dear friend to breast cancer.  It was a long and hard fought battle that ended in her being called home to be with the Lord.  Even in her weakened physical condition, she accepted my promise to make her girls an important part of our family and our lives.  I vowed to her and before a Holy God that I would love them and care for them any way I could as if they were my own.  Not because I felt like they needed me, but because I needed to be obedient to what was being asked of me by a loving Heavenly Father.

In those 9 1/2 years I have now seen two beautiful brides and the birth of two amazing little boys.  God is so good.  This past Friday I witnessed the marriage of Sharon's baby girl and her amazing groom.  Set on a beautiful beach in Sarasota Florida on a perfect sunny day our family grew with the addition of a wonderful young man we can now call our son-in-law.  Even through the loss of my good friend God proves His faithfulness by allowing me to participate in a wedding that was not only honoring to my friend but gave me the freedom to love that stunning bride without feeling like I was trying to take her place.

I almost feel like Paul when he said, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness..." simply because it has been a journey of faith to allow my heart to love these girls like I believe they deserve.  It has been a fight against all that is natural and normal to expect them to love me back.  But, God in His mercy has  made that path straight and given me my heart's desire toward them.  I love them both and everyone that comes with them fully.

There is never a day that I don't think about my friend and all that she is missing.  I am sad when I realize that I am reaping the benefits of her parenting and loving.  Of course I would love for life to be fair and that she would have been here for the weddings and the birth of her grandsons and the future ones to come but God is sovereign and His ways are not my ways.  I will continue to love and cherish them with my whole heart and give thanks for the blessings that I have received.

Congratulations Katharine and Joe!  Your momma would have been beaming with pride:)

I love you.

This year I have decided to take the mission statement from my church and make it my challenge for the New Year.  Every year we make resolutions that are all about us.  We want to lose weight, get more organized, eat more healthy, exercise daily...and on and on.  I want everyone who knows me and pours into my life to know that I have chosen to do none of these.  Shock and awe, I know!  I really do want "to know Christ and make Him known".  I want everyone who already knows who I live for and especially for those who do not to realize what my life is truly about.

I serve a Savior who lived and died for me.  He loves me enough to give me the free gift of eternal life through His death and resurrection.  All I had to do was accept it and share the good news.

"To know Christ and make Him known".  This is my resolution for the New Year!

For one year I have cried, been angry, questioned, doubted, believed, been thankful, pretended, challenged, felt empty, sad, peaceful...and the list goes on and on.  I still don't understand why God chose to take a beautiful little girl away from a family that loved her so deeply, but I do know that He makes no mistakes.  I believe that and I am dwelling there.  There are more days now that I spend less time asking God why and more time thanking Him for 13 sweet years watching Lauren grow in His love for others.  There will never be a day when I don't think about her amazing blue eyes and how they impacted everyone she met.  I am thankful most of all that she shared her faith and her love for her Savior.  Many young and old hearts were changed by her death and will hopefully come to know the Lord she loved so much.  Some days it seems only yesterday that she went to her heavenly home but a year will have come and gone on the 23rd of December.  I hope she knows how much we all loved her but most of all how happy we are that if we had to lose her so early in her sweet life that we know she is safe in the arms of Jesus.

Lauren Elizabeth Swann we miss you always.

I keep waiting to feel different.  Not necessarily great but at least less empty.  I wonder daily how anyone can deal with something as difficult as the death of someone they love without the Lord to lean on.  I know He cares about my sorrow.  I know He hears my pleas for strength.  I know He feels my pain and binds my wounded heart.  I believe that He and He alone can change my path.  Still I turn on my computer every day and see a beautiful, smiling 13 year old looking back at me and my heart breaks all over again.

There is no easy fix for loneliness and brokenness except for trusting in the One who knows our needs even before we ask.  I fail to ask Him every morning.  Some days I forget that He wants to hear my cries for healing.  The deepest desire of my heart is for Him to be ever present in my thoughts of Lauren and her journey into His presence.  She is with the Lord.  I know this to be true because He told me it is.  2 Corinthians 5:8 says "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord."  I believe that Lauren would say those very words to us all if given the chance.  She is with her Heavenly Father who loves her more than we could ever imagine.  I just miss her smiling face and I know her mom, Nana and Poppy along with the rest of her family miss her most of all:)

The 23rd of May will be 5 months since our sweet and beautiful Lauren went home to be with the Lord.  Not a day goes by that we don't wish for one more smile,  but we have the assurance that we will see that amazing "brace less" perfect smile again one day very soon.

It all comes down to this....I don't know about tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand.

I love you sweet girl.

Aunt Gail

49 days seems like a short period of time....unless you have lost someone you love.  49 days then becomes somewhat of an eternity and never has an end in sight.  I am awestruck by those who have journeyed through such an undertaking.  Losing a child, a mom, a dad, a best friend, a sibling..

The real test is not in the moment, but in the many countless moments that follow.  Every day of new beginnings that doesn't include that special someone.  Each event that comes and goes without seeing joy on that sweet face or hearing it in their voice.  Where do we go from here?  It has been said that time heals all wounds, but some wounds are deep in our souls and cannot simply be stitched back together by moving on.  Moving on just does not seem possible.

Abiding becomes the only option we have.  Abiding in the One and Only.  Abiding in His Everlasting Arms.  Trusting Him to carry us when we cannot move on.  Knowing that He will do what He has always said He would do.  Resting in His promises.  Believing that He loves more than we can ever even understand.  Being assured that we will see our loved ones again.  That is what faith is.  Oh that my faith would be made whole.  Oh that I would trust in what I know is the truth.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I rest in His Word.  I trust in His promise.  I believe in His truth.

We have all heard the old sayings "out of the mouths of babes" or "kids say the darndest things" or even "we can learn so much from our children".  How much do we actually think before we say something?

In June of this past year the pastor of my parent's church died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.  It was a real struggle for that small and very close knit community.  At the time, Kelly, my niece, explained to her two children how it was okay to be sad.  Everyone was sad and everyone questioned why something like that had to happen to such a wonderful and loving man.  My great-niece replied simply, "I know it is okay to be a little sad, but after all, isn't heaven our ultimate goal?"  Well...yes it is and she realized that goal this past Sunday evening when she went home to be with The Lord and her pastor, Clarence:)

On December 23rd, our sweet Lauren, 13 years young died from apparent complications from asthma.  Her amazing blue eyes could literally light up a room, but it was her sweet and giving spirit that stood out most of all.  She was the most unselfish little girl that will probably ever cross my path.  If she had something that anyone needed or even simply wanted, she would willingly offer it up.  In life she touched so many others and even in death she gave a better life to others through organ donation.

As unfair as all of this seems in my head, in my heart I know she is at peace safe in the arms of Jesus right now.  Lauren will be missed by all of us and not a day will go by that we won't wish we could see her sweet face, but one day we will.  One day we will enjoy that beautiful smile and those eyes that seemingly were the window to her soul.  We are thankful for 13 years but saddened that 13 years went by so quickly.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers this past week.  Although we will never get "over" our loss, my family has begun the long journey of healing from this chapter in our lives.  I am so thankful that I have such amazing friends to hold me up when I struggle to stand strong.