For one year I have cried, been angry, questioned, doubted, believed, been thankful, pretended, challenged, felt empty, sad, peaceful...and the list goes on and on.  I still don't understand why God chose to take a beautiful little girl away from a family that loved her so deeply, but I do know that He makes no mistakes.  I believe that and I am dwelling there.  There are more days now that I spend less time asking God why and more time thanking Him for 13 sweet years watching Lauren grow in His love for others.  There will never be a day when I don't think about her amazing blue eyes and how they impacted everyone she met.  I am thankful most of all that she shared her faith and her love for her Savior.  Many young and old hearts were changed by her death and will hopefully come to know the Lord she loved so much.  Some days it seems only yesterday that she went to her heavenly home but a year will have come and gone on the 23rd of December.  I hope she knows how much we all loved her but most of all how happy we are that if we had to lose her so early in her sweet life that we know she is safe in the arms of Jesus.

Lauren Elizabeth Swann we miss you always.

I keep waiting to feel different.  Not necessarily great but at least less empty.  I wonder daily how anyone can deal with something as difficult as the death of someone they love without the Lord to lean on.  I know He cares about my sorrow.  I know He hears my pleas for strength.  I know He feels my pain and binds my wounded heart.  I believe that He and He alone can change my path.  Still I turn on my computer every day and see a beautiful, smiling 13 year old looking back at me and my heart breaks all over again.

There is no easy fix for loneliness and brokenness except for trusting in the One who knows our needs even before we ask.  I fail to ask Him every morning.  Some days I forget that He wants to hear my cries for healing.  The deepest desire of my heart is for Him to be ever present in my thoughts of Lauren and her journey into His presence.  She is with the Lord.  I know this to be true because He told me it is.  2 Corinthians 5:8 says "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord."  I believe that Lauren would say those very words to us all if given the chance.  She is with her Heavenly Father who loves her more than we could ever imagine.  I just miss her smiling face and I know her mom, Nana and Poppy along with the rest of her family miss her most of all:)

The 23rd of May will be 5 months since our sweet and beautiful Lauren went home to be with the Lord.  Not a day goes by that we don't wish for one more smile,  but we have the assurance that we will see that amazing "brace less" perfect smile again one day very soon.

It all comes down to this....I don't know about tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand.

I love you sweet girl.

Aunt Gail

49 days seems like a short period of time....unless you have lost someone you love.  49 days then becomes somewhat of an eternity and never has an end in sight.  I am awestruck by those who have journeyed through such an undertaking.  Losing a child, a mom, a dad, a best friend, a sibling..

The real test is not in the moment, but in the many countless moments that follow.  Every day of new beginnings that doesn't include that special someone.  Each event that comes and goes without seeing joy on that sweet face or hearing it in their voice.  Where do we go from here?  It has been said that time heals all wounds, but some wounds are deep in our souls and cannot simply be stitched back together by moving on.  Moving on just does not seem possible.

Abiding becomes the only option we have.  Abiding in the One and Only.  Abiding in His Everlasting Arms.  Trusting Him to carry us when we cannot move on.  Knowing that He will do what He has always said He would do.  Resting in His promises.  Believing that He loves more than we can ever even understand.  Being assured that we will see our loved ones again.  That is what faith is.  Oh that my faith would be made whole.  Oh that I would trust in what I know is the truth.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I rest in His Word.  I trust in His promise.  I believe in His truth.

We have all heard the old sayings "out of the mouths of babes" or "kids say the darndest things" or even "we can learn so much from our children".  How much do we actually think before we say something?

In June of this past year the pastor of my parent's church died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.  It was a real struggle for that small and very close knit community.  At the time, Kelly, my niece, explained to her two children how it was okay to be sad.  Everyone was sad and everyone questioned why something like that had to happen to such a wonderful and loving man.  My great-niece replied simply, "I know it is okay to be a little sad, but after all, isn't heaven our ultimate goal?"  Well...yes it is and she realized that goal this past Sunday evening when she went home to be with The Lord and her pastor, Clarence:)

On December 23rd, our sweet Lauren, 13 years young died from apparent complications from asthma.  Her amazing blue eyes could literally light up a room, but it was her sweet and giving spirit that stood out most of all.  She was the most unselfish little girl that will probably ever cross my path.  If she had something that anyone needed or even simply wanted, she would willingly offer it up.  In life she touched so many others and even in death she gave a better life to others through organ donation.

As unfair as all of this seems in my head, in my heart I know she is at peace safe in the arms of Jesus right now.  Lauren will be missed by all of us and not a day will go by that we won't wish we could see her sweet face, but one day we will.  One day we will enjoy that beautiful smile and those eyes that seemingly were the window to her soul.  We are thankful for 13 years but saddened that 13 years went by so quickly.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers this past week.  Although we will never get "over" our loss, my family has begun the long journey of healing from this chapter in our lives.  I am so thankful that I have such amazing friends to hold me up when I struggle to stand strong.